Pm'd it but wondering what ya'll think....i wrote alot so if it's too much ill just post it as an open mic

I'd of given my life

.....

Suspected problems, cried the night they was found
Legs collapsed from under her waist, striking the ground
Lying her down, swiftly checking the pulse
Panicked, it's come back negative as we check for results
Her breathing had stopped, leavin' me rocked
Been fine all day, was impossible to believe she jus' dropped
Head crashed on the side, waist crashed on the floor
Confusion as the doctors said it wouldnt happen no more
Crackin' her jaw, died that day, informed of her pain
"You burst a vessel, causing a clot to form on the brain"
An' deform it's a shame, the rest is jus' gettin worse
"You've got three weeks to live, the clot is destined to burst"
Mind suggesting a curse, god's selectin' her first
Though she's still in her high spirits inspecting the nurse
Lived the next couple of weeks, smiles beamin' around
But as everyday passes, i see in her eye's dreams goin' down

.......

Awoke naturally, checking the date my fear's had arrived
Reached the last day of her life, awoke with tears in my eye's
Arrived at the hospital, approaching her bed
She smiled sweetly, as i placed a tender kiss on her head
Spent the day talking about memory's
Tears formed in her eye's as she repeated she'd always remember me
Sent into foster care at ten, family rejected her
Always loved the fact, we took her in and accepted her
Wishing i could trade places as she began to drift away
Attempting to speak, but her jaw was far too stiff to say
A tear fell from my eye's as i said a final farewell
Whispering i loved her, i cared than, in the future and i care now
Finally accepted fact's, i refuse to hide them away
And for that reason im out in the open, an' deciding to say
To save my best friend id of given my breath
Each night i sit and pray she's magically risen from death

R.I.P

not bad it's good, just that when you tell a story no matter whether it's true or made up whichever...displaying emotions is fine but keep an event timeline on it. for instance:

Suspected problems, cried the night they was found
Legs collapsed from under her waist, striking the ground
Lying her down, swiftly checking the pulse
Panicked, it's come back negative as we check for results
Her breathing had stopped, leavin' me rocked
Been fine all day, was impossible to believe she jus' dropped
Head crashed on the side, waist crashed on the floor
Confusion as the doctors said it wouldnt happen no more
Crackin' her jaw, died that day, informed of her pain
"You burst a vessel, causing a clot to form on the brain"
An' deform it's a shame, the rest is jus' gettin worse
"You've got three weeks to live, the clot is destined to burst"
Mind suggesting a curse, god's selectin' her first
Though she's still in her high spirits inspecting the nurse
Lived the next couple of weeks, smiles beamin' around
But as everyday passes, i see in her eye's dreams goin' down


the last verse was ok you detailed being in the hospital with her at the last moment. the first, you were keeping the timeline of events ok..just know that as you detailing what's going on to beware of 1st 2nd & 3rd person shifts. There's moments where the thoughts are being directed to someone, people in general, and to yourself so just play around with when to do it. You can even further detail by adding character and setting, whos there with you..are they involved, what's going on?..whats in the setting excetera if the story calls for it. So eventhough your writing emotional, i know how it is but just try to calm down focus a bit and detail and explain things a little more.

Hans = Great feed

Thanks han, props on the depth feed

as long as my opinion helps, no problem.