Dominate
07-17-2004, 08:39 AM
One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?" "Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy." "That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?" "Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."
Q. What did one tampon say to the other?
A. Nothing. They were both stuck up cunts.
A blonde suspects her boyfriend is cheating on her so she leaves for home early from work one day. She gets to the house, opens the door to see her boyfriend in the arms of a brunette. The blonde screams "I knew it! I knew you were cheating", the man replies "honey Im sorry its....its not what it looks like!" The woman begins to cry as she reaches in her purse and pulls out a revolver. She points the gun to her head.........
"HONEY, NO.. DONT!!" screamed the boyfriend..........the woman replied "Shut-up, your next"
A man walks into a pub with a small newt on his shoulder. "I'll have a pint" he says, and then, gesturing towards the newt he says "and an orange juice for Tiny."
The bertender gets these things, and then asks "why do you call him Tiny?"
"Because he's my newt."
- What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with....The other is used to carry groceries.
- How many guys does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
- Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
- How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
- How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There's a clock on the oven!
A holidaying penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal." "No, no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
A barman loves his dog, but one day it's playing on the road and gets run over and killed. The barman is cut up and hangs the dog's tail over the bar as a memento of his friend. Well, one dark night, at one o'clock in the morning, a ghostly knocking is heard on the front door of the pub. "We're closed!" yells the barman, cowering with his wife behind the bar, but the knocking continues. After a while the barman relents and opens the door, and in walks...the spectre of his dog!
It says to him "I cannot leave this mortal plane, for I am not whole. Return to me my tail, so that I may ascend to Heaven."
At which point the barman's wife pipes up: "I'm sorry, we can't retail spirits after midnight."
So Jesus and Moses are walking together and they wonder if they still can do their old magic tricks. Moses stops at a sea and says "I wonder if I can still part seas", so he waves his hands and BOOM--the sea has parted. Jesus says, "wow, if you still have it, I wonder if I can still walk on water!" So Jesus tries, and he succeeds. About halfway through the lake, he suddenly falls in, struggles, but makes it back to shore. Moses asked him what happened and Jesus replied, "I would have been able to do it, but I forgot about those holes in my feet."
Why does Jesus get all the ladies? Because he's hung like this *holds arms out*
A little girl goes into a pet shop.
The pet guy says to her "hi little girl what would you like today?"
"A rabbit!" she says.
"awww, a little white one, or a cute fluffy brown one?" he replies, with a smile.
"I don't think my python gives a fuck" she responds.
3 girls are running from the cops across a field. There's a brunette, blonde and a red-head. They come to a barn and decide to hide in there to elude the police. When they get into the barn they notice three sacks and decide each one will hide in a sack. In the event that the cops do come in, they would just make some barn noise. So, all three are waiting and the police go into the barn and check it out. One officer sees the sacks and goes over to check it out. He goes to the one with the brunette in it and gives it a little kick. "Meow", says the brunette. "Aw it's just a cat." says the cop. He then goes over to the sack with the red-head in it and gives it a kick. "Woof", she says. "Aw, it's just a dog." says the cop. He then goes over to the sack with the blonde in it and gives it a kick. And the blonde says "Potatoes."
Q. How do you fit three gay guys on to one stool?
A. Turn it upside down.
There are three gay guys in a spa and a condom slowly floats to the surface. One looks at the other two and says "ok, who farted?"
Two guys are having a verbal disagreement inside a gay bar, so they took it outside and exchanged blows...
A blonde, brunette and a red-head were all at a bar one night. The owner was telling them about the mirror in the bathroom. If they go and say something true in mirror they will get it back times three. But if they said something false the mirror would swallow them. The burnette goes in first. She says: I'm beautiful. She walked out looking 3X better. The red-head was next. She said: I'm smart. She came out 3X smarter. The blonde goes in last. Walks up to the mirror and says: Well, I think.... and Poof! The mirror swallows her.
Do you know what Stevie Wonder's house looks like?
(no)
Yeah, neither does he
Q. What does Stevie Wonder's wife do after a fight?
A. Moves the furniture around
A young boy curious with the world goes to his mother and says "mum, what's a pussy?" Flustered but remaining calm, the mum reaches for an encyclopedia, opens the page to "C" and points to a diagram of a cat. "That is a pussy son." Somewhat satisfied, he continues and asks, "mum, what is a bitch?" The mother cooly flicks to "D" and shows him a picture of a dog, "that is a bitch." Seeking confirmation, the boy goes to his father. "Dad, what is a pussy?" He reaches for his bedside table, removing a copy of Playboy. He circles an area of the page and says "that my son is a pussy." The boy asks, "what is a bitch dad?" "Everything outside the circle."
Q. What did one tampon say to the other?
A. Nothing. They were both stuck up cunts.
A blonde suspects her boyfriend is cheating on her so she leaves for home early from work one day. She gets to the house, opens the door to see her boyfriend in the arms of a brunette. The blonde screams "I knew it! I knew you were cheating", the man replies "honey Im sorry its....its not what it looks like!" The woman begins to cry as she reaches in her purse and pulls out a revolver. She points the gun to her head.........
"HONEY, NO.. DONT!!" screamed the boyfriend..........the woman replied "Shut-up, your next"
A man walks into a pub with a small newt on his shoulder. "I'll have a pint" he says, and then, gesturing towards the newt he says "and an orange juice for Tiny."
The bertender gets these things, and then asks "why do you call him Tiny?"
"Because he's my newt."
- What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with....The other is used to carry groceries.
- How many guys does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
- Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
- How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
- How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There's a clock on the oven!
A holidaying penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal." "No, no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
A barman loves his dog, but one day it's playing on the road and gets run over and killed. The barman is cut up and hangs the dog's tail over the bar as a memento of his friend. Well, one dark night, at one o'clock in the morning, a ghostly knocking is heard on the front door of the pub. "We're closed!" yells the barman, cowering with his wife behind the bar, but the knocking continues. After a while the barman relents and opens the door, and in walks...the spectre of his dog!
It says to him "I cannot leave this mortal plane, for I am not whole. Return to me my tail, so that I may ascend to Heaven."
At which point the barman's wife pipes up: "I'm sorry, we can't retail spirits after midnight."
So Jesus and Moses are walking together and they wonder if they still can do their old magic tricks. Moses stops at a sea and says "I wonder if I can still part seas", so he waves his hands and BOOM--the sea has parted. Jesus says, "wow, if you still have it, I wonder if I can still walk on water!" So Jesus tries, and he succeeds. About halfway through the lake, he suddenly falls in, struggles, but makes it back to shore. Moses asked him what happened and Jesus replied, "I would have been able to do it, but I forgot about those holes in my feet."
Why does Jesus get all the ladies? Because he's hung like this *holds arms out*
A little girl goes into a pet shop.
The pet guy says to her "hi little girl what would you like today?"
"A rabbit!" she says.
"awww, a little white one, or a cute fluffy brown one?" he replies, with a smile.
"I don't think my python gives a fuck" she responds.
3 girls are running from the cops across a field. There's a brunette, blonde and a red-head. They come to a barn and decide to hide in there to elude the police. When they get into the barn they notice three sacks and decide each one will hide in a sack. In the event that the cops do come in, they would just make some barn noise. So, all three are waiting and the police go into the barn and check it out. One officer sees the sacks and goes over to check it out. He goes to the one with the brunette in it and gives it a little kick. "Meow", says the brunette. "Aw it's just a cat." says the cop. He then goes over to the sack with the red-head in it and gives it a kick. "Woof", she says. "Aw, it's just a dog." says the cop. He then goes over to the sack with the blonde in it and gives it a kick. And the blonde says "Potatoes."
Q. How do you fit three gay guys on to one stool?
A. Turn it upside down.
There are three gay guys in a spa and a condom slowly floats to the surface. One looks at the other two and says "ok, who farted?"
Two guys are having a verbal disagreement inside a gay bar, so they took it outside and exchanged blows...
A blonde, brunette and a red-head were all at a bar one night. The owner was telling them about the mirror in the bathroom. If they go and say something true in mirror they will get it back times three. But if they said something false the mirror would swallow them. The burnette goes in first. She says: I'm beautiful. She walked out looking 3X better. The red-head was next. She said: I'm smart. She came out 3X smarter. The blonde goes in last. Walks up to the mirror and says: Well, I think.... and Poof! The mirror swallows her.
Do you know what Stevie Wonder's house looks like?
(no)
Yeah, neither does he
Q. What does Stevie Wonder's wife do after a fight?
A. Moves the furniture around
A young boy curious with the world goes to his mother and says "mum, what's a pussy?" Flustered but remaining calm, the mum reaches for an encyclopedia, opens the page to "C" and points to a diagram of a cat. "That is a pussy son." Somewhat satisfied, he continues and asks, "mum, what is a bitch?" The mother cooly flicks to "D" and shows him a picture of a dog, "that is a bitch." Seeking confirmation, the boy goes to his father. "Dad, what is a pussy?" He reaches for his bedside table, removing a copy of Playboy. He circles an area of the page and says "that my son is a pussy." The boy asks, "what is a bitch dad?" "Everything outside the circle."