†Ðîvîñîtÿ†
08-24-2004, 03:24 PM
hmm this is my first aTTempt at actually writing a story.. it starts at the ending and kinda goes back into the past of why hes there.. so.. loop structure thing going on here...hmm
my ritings black.. lloydbanks is white...i came up wiht the whole concept but insisted he rite a couple of paragraphs because he's a very talented writer.. so ye.. crit n stuff plz..
__________________________________________________ _________
the rain beat heavy down among the rooftops of the neighbourgh hood.the wind whistle through the branches of the tree's that stood at the end of the drive.
He looked upon the horrific night as he pressed his finger tips against the window pain. A tear fell to his cheek
Life its self felt hopeless. How had it all come to this, Where was annie, This life felt surreal as if a night mare.
he picked up a knife and ended his pain.
"daddy, how did hansel and gretel find thier way home"chuckled annie.
"well,.. they followed the bread crumbs" he replyed
"but the bird's eaten them?..so how did they get home?"
"its just a fairy tale sweet heart,it was meant to happen it was fate, now go to sleep" he whispered as
he kissed her forehead.
he walked over to the bedroom door and opened it then looked back at his daughter, the thing he treasured the most in life then switched the light of and walked out.
A year after annie was born,Darren had lost his wife, due to a car crash.. its now 2 years sinse her death, he has devoted all his love and attention to annie, she was all he had left of his wife.. he swore to protect her like he couldnt his wife.
darren walked through to the living room, he sat on couch and picked up a picture of his dead wife,natisha,he pressed his thumb on his lip and kissed it softly then pressed it agaisnt the picture.
"I love you tisha, i wish you was still here, you should see annie,shes 3 now,she looks just like you,hm, shes already becoming a little lady..." he began to cry " i'll take care of her tisha, im going to bring her up as you'de of wanted. to respect her self and the world around her, she'll make you proud, i promise"
he sat the picture back on the side table and wiped his eyes. annie stepped into the living room. he turned to see her, she was stood in her pyjamas, hugging the teddy bear with her right arm, her left thumb perched in her mouth.
"whats wrong annie,why arent you in bed?" he said softly,
"i can't sleep, teddy had a bad dream and woke me up"insisted annie.
"well come on, lets go back to bed,daddy's going to bed too now"he said as he stood up and walked over to her.
"okay,daddy been crying?" she pondered.
"no sweet heart,just tired" he murmured.
"daddy wake up,wake up"yelled annie.
darren opened his eyes,"huh?"
"its time to get up daddy" she urged
"wait, what time is it!?" he reached for his alarm clock "woo..9:30 stupid bloody clock"he murmered.
"daddy-"
"i know, i know.. im up sweet heart,im up" he interupted.
He threw his legs round the side of the bed and sat up, he ruffed his hair up and yawned.
"are we still going to fishes? "annie asked.
"yes, were still going fishing" he said as he smiled.
Darren went into the bathroom and began to wash up, putting some water on his face. He than began to brush and told Annie to do the same. After they both brushed their teeth he put on a old shirt and went to the front door. “Ok sweet heart remember when we go out on the boat stay close to me.” Said Darren and his daughter nodded and was in a hurry to go out. They left the house and went to the docks only a few yards from their house. Annie was already their jumping up and waiting for her father.
“Daddy we going to catch a BIG fish!” said Annie in a happy tone. Her father smiled and nodded. He untied the boat ropes and went into the boat. He grabbed his daughter from the docks and he put her on the boat and patted her on the head. He then went to the engine and kept bushing the string engine back and forth to start it.
The engine went off and they began to go off. Annie kept making funny sounds and darren made sure she was ok.
“Daddy where do we go to catch big fish!?” Asked Annie excited.
Darren said "you have to promise you won’t go close to the edge"
Annie nodded and agreed. They went a bit further out and stopped.
“Why we stop daddy?” Said Annie.
“Were going fishing here, this is were all the big fish are.” Said Darren and Annie jumped for joy. He took the fishing poll, fixed it up and threw the line into the water and sat down.
“How long daddy?” Said Annie.
“Not to long sweet heart, it looks like it will rain so the fish come higher up from the water.” Said Darren and Annie put on a big smile and sat on the boat next to her father and waited.
“I wish you were here my dear wife. I’ve gone so long without you for this little one. I must go everyday and I know I won’t see you till the day I die.” Thought Darren.
As he was thinking the fish line became tenser. He pulled on it a bit and it pulled back. He tried to rail in the fish. Annie was so excited she couldn’t stop jumping and saying “Daddy caught a fish!”
He began to rail it in and the fish kept putting up a fight. Finally he got it out of the water and on to the boat. It kept on flapping and Annie was scared.
“Don’t worry sweet heart it’s just happy, that’s why it’s flapping.” Said Darren and Annie went closer.
She touched it and it flapped again and she jumped. A rain drop hit Darren’s face. Darren got up put the fish in the color on the boat and went to the engine and started it up.
“Why we going back so soon daddy?” Said Annie
darren said" its starting to rain."
“But I don’t wanna go back!” wined Annie but her dad said they had to. The rain began to come down harder. They reached the dock. Darren put Annie on the dock and went to get the cooler.
“Oh kitty cat!” said Annie and ran on the wet docks. Darren told her to stop but she kept running. In almost a flash she slipped and hit her head on the edge of the dock and fell into the water. Darren heard a bang and looked on the docks to see his daughter was gone.
“ANNIE!?” screamed darren but heard no noise. He got up on the docks and looked in the water and saw nothing. He went closer in and looked side to side. He saw blood from the water and he jumped in to look for his daughter. He tried his best to see but it was to dirty he went back to the surface and began to scream out her name.
annie's body was found after 3 hours, darren felt so guilty, and he'd broken his promise to his dead wife.
3 weeks passed and the house had no life in it, there was no longer the sound of his little girl running around. what had this life turned into? there was no point in life any more. he'd broken his promise to natisha, and now his little girl rest in peace with her, he had let them both slip away, through his fingers like sand.there was nothing to hold on for, nothing to hope for, he wanted to join them in eternal bliss...
that night-
the rain beat heavy down among the rooftops of the neighbourgh hood.the wind whistle through the branches of the tree's that stood at the end of the drive.
He looked upon the horrific night as he pressed his finger tips against the window pain. A tear fell to his cheek
Life its self felt hopeless. How had it all come to this, Where was annie, This life felt surreal as if a night mare.
he picked up a knife and ended his pain.
my ritings black.. lloydbanks is white...i came up wiht the whole concept but insisted he rite a couple of paragraphs because he's a very talented writer.. so ye.. crit n stuff plz..
__________________________________________________ _________
the rain beat heavy down among the rooftops of the neighbourgh hood.the wind whistle through the branches of the tree's that stood at the end of the drive.
He looked upon the horrific night as he pressed his finger tips against the window pain. A tear fell to his cheek
Life its self felt hopeless. How had it all come to this, Where was annie, This life felt surreal as if a night mare.
he picked up a knife and ended his pain.
"daddy, how did hansel and gretel find thier way home"chuckled annie.
"well,.. they followed the bread crumbs" he replyed
"but the bird's eaten them?..so how did they get home?"
"its just a fairy tale sweet heart,it was meant to happen it was fate, now go to sleep" he whispered as
he kissed her forehead.
he walked over to the bedroom door and opened it then looked back at his daughter, the thing he treasured the most in life then switched the light of and walked out.
A year after annie was born,Darren had lost his wife, due to a car crash.. its now 2 years sinse her death, he has devoted all his love and attention to annie, she was all he had left of his wife.. he swore to protect her like he couldnt his wife.
darren walked through to the living room, he sat on couch and picked up a picture of his dead wife,natisha,he pressed his thumb on his lip and kissed it softly then pressed it agaisnt the picture.
"I love you tisha, i wish you was still here, you should see annie,shes 3 now,she looks just like you,hm, shes already becoming a little lady..." he began to cry " i'll take care of her tisha, im going to bring her up as you'de of wanted. to respect her self and the world around her, she'll make you proud, i promise"
he sat the picture back on the side table and wiped his eyes. annie stepped into the living room. he turned to see her, she was stood in her pyjamas, hugging the teddy bear with her right arm, her left thumb perched in her mouth.
"whats wrong annie,why arent you in bed?" he said softly,
"i can't sleep, teddy had a bad dream and woke me up"insisted annie.
"well come on, lets go back to bed,daddy's going to bed too now"he said as he stood up and walked over to her.
"okay,daddy been crying?" she pondered.
"no sweet heart,just tired" he murmured.
"daddy wake up,wake up"yelled annie.
darren opened his eyes,"huh?"
"its time to get up daddy" she urged
"wait, what time is it!?" he reached for his alarm clock "woo..9:30 stupid bloody clock"he murmered.
"daddy-"
"i know, i know.. im up sweet heart,im up" he interupted.
He threw his legs round the side of the bed and sat up, he ruffed his hair up and yawned.
"are we still going to fishes? "annie asked.
"yes, were still going fishing" he said as he smiled.
Darren went into the bathroom and began to wash up, putting some water on his face. He than began to brush and told Annie to do the same. After they both brushed their teeth he put on a old shirt and went to the front door. “Ok sweet heart remember when we go out on the boat stay close to me.” Said Darren and his daughter nodded and was in a hurry to go out. They left the house and went to the docks only a few yards from their house. Annie was already their jumping up and waiting for her father.
“Daddy we going to catch a BIG fish!” said Annie in a happy tone. Her father smiled and nodded. He untied the boat ropes and went into the boat. He grabbed his daughter from the docks and he put her on the boat and patted her on the head. He then went to the engine and kept bushing the string engine back and forth to start it.
The engine went off and they began to go off. Annie kept making funny sounds and darren made sure she was ok.
“Daddy where do we go to catch big fish!?” Asked Annie excited.
Darren said "you have to promise you won’t go close to the edge"
Annie nodded and agreed. They went a bit further out and stopped.
“Why we stop daddy?” Said Annie.
“Were going fishing here, this is were all the big fish are.” Said Darren and Annie jumped for joy. He took the fishing poll, fixed it up and threw the line into the water and sat down.
“How long daddy?” Said Annie.
“Not to long sweet heart, it looks like it will rain so the fish come higher up from the water.” Said Darren and Annie put on a big smile and sat on the boat next to her father and waited.
“I wish you were here my dear wife. I’ve gone so long without you for this little one. I must go everyday and I know I won’t see you till the day I die.” Thought Darren.
As he was thinking the fish line became tenser. He pulled on it a bit and it pulled back. He tried to rail in the fish. Annie was so excited she couldn’t stop jumping and saying “Daddy caught a fish!”
He began to rail it in and the fish kept putting up a fight. Finally he got it out of the water and on to the boat. It kept on flapping and Annie was scared.
“Don’t worry sweet heart it’s just happy, that’s why it’s flapping.” Said Darren and Annie went closer.
She touched it and it flapped again and she jumped. A rain drop hit Darren’s face. Darren got up put the fish in the color on the boat and went to the engine and started it up.
“Why we going back so soon daddy?” Said Annie
darren said" its starting to rain."
“But I don’t wanna go back!” wined Annie but her dad said they had to. The rain began to come down harder. They reached the dock. Darren put Annie on the dock and went to get the cooler.
“Oh kitty cat!” said Annie and ran on the wet docks. Darren told her to stop but she kept running. In almost a flash she slipped and hit her head on the edge of the dock and fell into the water. Darren heard a bang and looked on the docks to see his daughter was gone.
“ANNIE!?” screamed darren but heard no noise. He got up on the docks and looked in the water and saw nothing. He went closer in and looked side to side. He saw blood from the water and he jumped in to look for his daughter. He tried his best to see but it was to dirty he went back to the surface and began to scream out her name.
annie's body was found after 3 hours, darren felt so guilty, and he'd broken his promise to his dead wife.
3 weeks passed and the house had no life in it, there was no longer the sound of his little girl running around. what had this life turned into? there was no point in life any more. he'd broken his promise to natisha, and now his little girl rest in peace with her, he had let them both slip away, through his fingers like sand.there was nothing to hold on for, nothing to hope for, he wanted to join them in eternal bliss...
that night-
the rain beat heavy down among the rooftops of the neighbourgh hood.the wind whistle through the branches of the tree's that stood at the end of the drive.
He looked upon the horrific night as he pressed his finger tips against the window pain. A tear fell to his cheek
Life its self felt hopeless. How had it all come to this, Where was annie, This life felt surreal as if a night mare.
he picked up a knife and ended his pain.