Rules:
3-0 KO, 4-1 TKO, 1st to 5 Or Whoever Has The Most Votes By End Of Voting Period. Mods Will Discuss Tie Breaker.
NO Hate Votes, DR/CR Votes, Swaying, Feeding, Biting, Recycling Like Vex, No Beef Or Freeposting In Threads.
You Must Vote On At Least One Of The Other Battles
50 Lines Max, Hook & Dialogue Not Included Against Line Limit

Deadlines Are Midnight EST, 0-2 Hours Over = Free Bee. 2-12 Hours Over = 1 Docked Vote. 12-24 Hours = 2 Docked Votes. Anything Over 24 Hours Is DQ. Some Don' Like This Rule. Well Tough Shit, Don't Procrastinate & If You Show Up On Time Then You Won't Lose Votes.
Extensions Will Be Granted Under Extreme Circumstances As Long As You Let Us Know In Time. The Day Before & Day Of Won't Cut It.

Voting Will Be As Follows: EXPLAINED
On Topic:
Depth:
Imagery:
Originality:
Flow:
Multis:
Enjoyment:
Vocab:

Overall:

Topic: The Vendetta

Check In By: Friday 24th March
Verses Due: Tuesday 28th March

Please Note: Line limit is 50, not 40

check's

checkin...

i think the line limits are gay... too short...

Topic = Vendetta, deadline is Tuesday 11.59 EST

UL Presents: The Most Famous Love Story Of All Time:(Told With A Twist)

Two feuding family's are battling for the streets of Venice, their vendetta spans back century's
The youngest Montague sees the youngest Capulet in a club and the following events occur:

Our eyes met, time didn't stop it moved fucking backwards/
Heart pendulum swung violently and struck a black chord/
The darkest day of my life illuminated my rotten heart/
The still wind blew dust from feelings like forgotten art/
Her hair floated as our glance ignited the air between us/
Our gene's must have entangled, this was obscene lust/
I made a bee line across the room, intending to sting/
Pretended to bring confidence, God must have been lending the thing/
I reached out for her, with both my hand and my mind/
Until i heard her name...Capulet! I felt stranded and blind/
My gaze branded her mine, burnt myself into her brain/
My blood tattoo's my veins as my elation is slain/
I'm brought to my knees not though war but with love/
My enemy was won, using not the crow but the dove/

I shake my mind, i must taste the flesh under that laced dress/
The beat of the club's tidal, rushing, the base was fresh/
The strobe lights left multiple images of her on my eyes/
Dancing seductively, i touch her and she purred with surprise/
Hello stranger, i saw you looking before what can i do you for?
My heart leapt through the floor, her wink proved she knew the score/
'Miss Capulet, i was wondering if you would care to dance?'/
The dance floor wept with shared romance, a pair enhanced-
By the knowledge that their family's vendetta was broken/
Our dancing whirled, our hands touch with a lust unspoken/
I wanted to take her, electricity made her grab her fake fur/
Hips shook back and forth like the bar mans cocktail shaker/
The taxi was the prelude to a night of passion, kissing skin-
Our body's combined, she felt like my missing twin, bliss within/
Every scratch, every bite sent shivers into my stomach/
This was making heavenly love, not just sex for funs sake/

I woke early to watch the rising sun catch her face/
Our past means we're doomed to a life of snatched embrace's/
Her father did this to my brother, and probably visa versa/
I don't give a shit if my sister spilt her sisters ice and soda/
My father entered the room, our embrace toppled like cards/
My dreams of love were shattered into a million shards/
'Dad what the fuck to you are you doing get out now!'/
I tasted blood as he slapped my face, sweat dripped from my brow/
My stomach twisted into infinite knots as she left the room/
The door to my heart slammed, the key lost as i felt my doom/
'You're not seeing that scrum, that poor excuse for a woman/
You even consider loving a Capulet , you'll forget you're human!'/
I was left in my empty room, listening to the echo's of the night/
If i couldn't have her, i couldn't live, i almost let go of the fight/
But her eye's filled my vision, i needed to hold her again/
Moulded my pain as i found her on the balcony, hammered veins/
She knew my plan, the iridescent gun handle shone in her hand/
'I love you If only every thing could have gone as we planned'/
Eye's spoke, weapons rose i wished i could leave then forget her/
She shot early, death rattle and laughter, nothing beats a Vendetta/

Romeo's body slumps to the fall, leaving Juliet to escape back to her father
Little did she know the man destined to destroy both the family's was growing
within her womb.

Rushed :(

Blowing Kisses

.

.

A Man Sits In His Vehicle, Nodding To Himself...

.

.

"Its Only Sprinkling" Im Thinking, Between Cold Droplets
"Listen, Even Murderers Are Forgiven" Or So Foretold Prophets
Destiny Doesn't Make Sense To One Tortured Oft & Coldly
& Villians Are Clay Characters, Except God Lost The Molding

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He Turns Off The Mainroad...

.

.

The Clarity Of Memories This Old Driveway Brings To Me
From A Childhood Once Innocent, Now Black & Gray Lingering
Drifting Fore, I've Disgraced This Gravel Being Here
With Soft Voices In My Ear Tell Me That Im Not Seeing Clear
Exiting My Chevy, Hands Heavy With Lonely Depression
Wicked Voices Screaming Murder, Its Their Only Suggestion
I Reach The Doorway, Pushing The Wooden Square Aside
Usual Bright House Now Cold, I Hunch Over "Dare She Hide"
A Table Shows Signs Of Activity, My Face Is Misery
Moving Pictures In My Mind: Pictures Of A Wasted Infancy
Long Decrepid, Legends For A Second, Maybe Minutes
A Childhood Faceless, Im Now Anxious Within Crazy Limits
I Find Her Hidden In A Corner, "Oh, My Mother Dearest"
As The Shovel Makes Rubble Of Her Skull, She Is Fearless

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.

Shovel Running Red, He Drags Her Out To His Car, & The Body Rocks The Car's Chassis...

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.

Wet Pants Cling, Im Screaming! Dancing Disturbs Me
These Lights & Patterns, Shifting Matter! Nobody Heard Me
Water Like Little Knives, One Hundred Thousand Blades
All But Devoured Strain As I Stumble Under Showered Rains
Hours Came & Went It Felt, But In Reality None Pass
& Euphoria: My Lungs Gasp, I Can't Stop! I Have One Task
Shaking It Off, Im In The Impala & Start The Engine
Heart Melting, Knowing Nobody Helped Me Apart From Women
Thats Why Im Doing This, "Its For You, Dear Beloved"
Its For Them, Though This Night's Acts I Barely Stomach
Over Hills & Through The Woods, To My Manor I Travel
All The While Inside Come Trials: Each A Manner Of Battle

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In The Darkness Of His Car... Alone Except For The Corpse In His Trunk, He Talks To Himself...

"Shut The Fuck Up, Ian"...

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Resolute Here, He Parks In The Driveway & Gets Out
Save This Soul? Along A Road Paved In Gold I Left Doubt
Shovel Ready & Silent, Vibrant In My Need To Finish
My Wife At My Knees Bleeds Until Her Pleeds Diminished
Two Bodies In The Trunk Now, My Guts Pound Their Skin
Drool Around My Chin, I Shudder Under These Sounds Akin
To The Cries Of Angels, Looking For Angles Into Ian
Was This A Mistake? Are My Thoughts Fables Of The Dreamin?
Never! This Is The Right Move, Saving Both From Living
I Turn Frightened, Another Haunting Image Broke My Vision

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Shaking His Head, Loosing The Images...

"I've Done This For Them"...

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The Ticking Of Clocks: "Cocking-The-Gun"-Sound Reversed
Because If Heaven Comes In Death Then Hell Is Found In Birth
Hence A Personal Vendetta On Relatives, Sporting Tears
For Bringing Me Into Hell Where I've Lived For Forty Years
A Shovel - So Cold - Fills My Hands Like The Perfect Girl
Rain Pours Down, I Score Ground & Kin Leave A Worthless World
I Nod To Myself, Stomach In Knots - At First It Swirled
Dirt Smudges Their Cheeks, My Wife Wears A Girth Of Pearls
I Forgave The Worst: Pain On Earth Lifted From Their Heads
Crying While Digging Two Graves As I Blow Kisses To The Dead

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.

We Were Inseperable...

will edit w. vote tonite if ok with bladed

yeah famo...

On Topic: Imp, you stayed on topic pretty well, transistion of things were pretty smooth.. 4/5
Depth: I cant say this went too deep b.c its like u spent the whole time setting it up for an abrupt ending 3/5
Imagery: There was quite a few lines i really liked ie the painting one mainly, one of my favorites in your verse 4.5/5
Originality: Erm, i dunno how i feel about this, i liked the whole set up to everything, original concept with an expected ending 3/5
Flow: Flowed pretty decently, not the best i have seen from you, couple lines ran long, inner multis woulda aided this better 3.5/5
Multis: werent bad, some mismatches and forcing, inners woulda been better and ending a line and starting a line with similar multis woulda made a smoother transition 3.5/5
Enjoyment: i was into it until the dad busted in, b.c its like they were dancing, then all of a sudden having sex then next he dies, too sudden and rushed 3/5
Vocab: nice vocab as usual, but some of it hurt ur flow, you should never dumb down lyrics, but if it hurts ur flow in which it did in places u should compensate 3.5/5

Overall: pretty decent, i could tell it was rushed, its not ur normal solid writing u bring, started strong then gradually fell off, jumped around too much imo 28/40


On Topic: bladed, i had to read urs a couple times to really get a good grasp and catch ur story right, i woulda liked to see what spawned these actions with a prelude of some sort 3.5/5
Depth: depth was good, the set up to killing his mother was done well, woulda liked more detail with his wife or more description in both of their deaths 3.5/5
Imagery: real nice imagery, some of the better imagery i have read on the site, quoted one line below 5/5
Originality: i somewhat expected a family vendetta, but i guess vendettas are pretty typical in a sense, what really took away from originality unless i over looked it is his main motives, i understand the shitty childhood u stated briefly, but the reason for his wife... 3/5
Flow: flowed really well from one like to another, no complaints here 4.5/5
Multis: great inners and set ups and transitional multis, and the words u used and multi syllabols were excellent 4.5/5
Enjoyment: i liked it, but it was extroardinary, i expected more from u honestly, what i enjoyed the most was the imagery and flow 3.5/5
Vocab: excellent vocab as usual, fit well into the piece and nothing seemed out of place or hurt the flow 5/5

Overall: pretty nice read, woulda liked a prelude and/or a closing, kinda just jumped right into it, theres a way of setting things up w/o giving it away, imagery was superb along w/ flow and multis, 32.5/40


& Villians Are Clay Characters, Except God Lost The Molding
one of the illest lines i have read for a topical imo

overall imma go with bladed, his was a better read imo and enjoyed it more, imp u did pretty good, but u steadily declined after the opening while bladed stayed consistent,

appreciate the feed and vote, Gen... but im going to address some things you said... not to sway or anything but to clarify my verse to you and anybody who has the courtesy or interested in reading my critisism and clarification of your feedback and my verse...

i understand your points concerning a prelude and/or closing, i personally didn't think them necessary... the piece, in and of itself, is a "cold shoulder" slash "at arms length" piece... its not meant to get personal with the characters beyond their most basic instincts... that was a decision i consciously made and i am pleased with how it turned out because that alone told part of the story... i didn't tell it from a social perspective, hovering over his shoulder, lamenting over what he did... i wanted this to be said without all the bullshit and preludes and epilogues tends to do that with stories and their characters... i didn't want that... fuck, i don't know... maybe its a decision only meant for me to understand...


and he killed his wife because of this line:

Heart Melting, Knowing Nobody Helped Me Apart From Women

psychologically, he knew his mother brought him into Hell and he (a) didn't want to wish that on his own seeds, (b) he was depressed obviously and, even in that state, his wife married him... so, inside, he felt she married him out of pity and therefore, his gift to her was releasing her from this Hell we live in... he owned his mother revenge for bringing him into Hell and yet, at the same time, we was creating a similar figure in his own wife (if she ever gave birth)...

i don't agree with your statement concerning his motives, where you say "i understand the shitty childhood u stated briefly"... you must've read something wrong... its not about a shitty childhood and i never elude to one... in fact, i made several lines trying to seperate the Villian from anything as cliche as a "shitting childhood" that might restrict the true core of his motives...

From A Childhood Once Innocent, Now Black & Gray Lingering

^this is saying, "from a childhood that was innocent, but now, looking back on it, the whole "growing up" thingy seems black and gray"... its a question mark to him so in his twisted state, he fills in the blanks with from a tainted foundation...

the only line where you could possibly think his childhood was shitting were these three:

A Table Shows Signs Of Activity, My Face Is Misery
Moving Pictures In My Mind: Pictures Of A Wasted Infancy
Long Decrepid, Legends For A Second, Maybe Minutes

however, what they say is that he remembers his childhood, without the innocense of actually being a child... looking back now, as a sick human being, he thinks it started at the beginning when in actuality, he had a normal and decent childhood...

i appreciate you saying you enjoyed it... that means alot to me... you expected more... eh, what can i say... i love how it turned out but 24 hours before i dropped it, even i didn't know how it would end... it kinda happened along the way...

props to Imperium for an equally interesting piece...

On Topic: Tie - Close one this, as Bladed's was more difficult to figure out. It was mainly near the end when the main character arrives back at his mansion does it start to unravel and the motivation behind the killings become clearer. Had no problems with Imp's, it was straight forward and obviously familiar with the Romeo & Juliet theme
Depth: Bladed - Felt Bladed went into more detail when describing the scene and the thoughts going on in the mind of the main character, especially near the end where he begins to question his actions. Imp's was more emotive, but there wasn't sufficient enough detail.
Imagery: Bladed - To be honest, I didn't find much wrong in the way of imagery with Imp's verse. But Bladed's imagery was awesome. The appropriate adjectives were used when necessary, and the wording was spot on throughout. Example:
"Water Like Little Knives, One Hundred Thousand Blades
All But Devoured Strain As I Stumble Under Showered Rains"
Not only does it describe what is happening, it also describes what it feels like to be in the situation. Excellent use of similes and metaphors.
Originality: Imperium - Tough one this. Imp obviously used a well known play as the basis for his verse, whereas Bladed played it safe used his own characters and plot. Gonna give this to Imp mainly because he applied the topic into an already familiar context and changed it to fit the topic
Flow: Bladed - Felt Bladed took this with use of inner multis and continuing rhymes into the next lines, almost like there was no ending of the rhymes until the end of each section. Imp had some stretched lines now and again, but on the whole, was pretty solid with the flow
Multis: Bladed - Imp on the whole had some really nice multis, but was let down with lack of inner multis and transitional multis, also forcing some here and there. Bladed's multis were more transitional, mixing it around to incorporate inner multis as well as transitional ones, which at times were complex and original
Enjoyment: Tie - Looking back at both verses, I enjoyed both really. I enjoyed Bladed's lyrical stance, in contrast to Imp's easier to follow story telling style. Would have given this to Bladed, but I really liked Imp's ending. Definitely saved him considering it was rushed
Vocab: Bladed - Superior word choice and well executed, appropriate when used and extremely relevant to the topic

Overall - Bladed Thesis

Nice battle from both. Bladed's verse was solid in all aspects of topical writing. It had an original and entertaining narrative style, with excellent lyrical skills incorporated into it to give it a more definitive edge. Imperium told his story fluently and kept it relatively simple whilst still incorporating some outside the box elements into it, such as the original take on the topic and the open ending. I felt that if Imperium had stepped his game up and taken his time with his verse, he could have pushed Bladed further than he has done now. But it was apparent that Imp rushed his verse and Bladed carefully thought out his plot, word choice and style, making his verse the clear standout in this battle.

Apparently I have to vote on this..


So I will do so late, by the end of the day at the latest..

dope, Fix...

repped Kron for the vote...

Wow this was a good battle.

i think its pretty clear what the outcome is though.

On Topic: Both
Depth: Impy. He was more personal so to speak, while bladeds was more the instincts as he pointed out in that book of a reply he gave to Gen
Imagery: Bladed, but just by a little bit. I could picture imp's but it didnt have the same effect I guess.
Originality: Tie
Flow: Impy.
Multis: Bladed. Just read his.
Enjoyment: Bladed. I enjoyed the way it flowed.
Vocab: Bladed. He used words in ways i wouldnt have thought of

Overall: Bladed, mainly because his made me stop and say wow at times. Imp your drop was solid, and paired against basically anyone else in this tourney you would have advanced, just the luck of the draw wasnt on your side. Your drop was solid, while bladeds was impressive.

3-0

^good looking........good looking :( cheers for the battle bladed, your piece was expectional whereas mine was just good :)

props to you for giving me a hard time... hope to face off again sometime...

repped all the voters...