[ As some of you may recall, last November, Roc-a-Fella's Dame Dash and Cam'ron appeared on the O'Reilly Factor, for an episode called Is Gangsta Rap Hurting America's Children? The two went head first against O'Reilly and high school principal Salome Thomas-El. Depending on who you ask, the two hip-hop entrepreneurs represented themselves well and backed O'Reilly down. Tonight is the rematch. ]

Bill O'Reilly: In the Impact Segment the other night, I expressed my opinion about the upcoming Method & Red show. Apparently I offended some members of the hip-hop community. Tonight I'm joined by hip-hop pioneer KRS-One via satellite. In the studio, we have previous guests, Dame Dash and Cam'Ron of the hip-hop label Roc-A-Fella records. Welcome back fellas.

Cam: How you doin, no homo.

Dame: Bill first, if I can, let me correct you. Roc-a-Fella isn't just a label. We're a half a billion dollar multimedia--

O'Reilly: Whatever, tonight's subject-- hip-hop's influence destroying middle America.

KRS: Bill, I have to be honest with you. It is middle America that is destroying hip-hop. Our culture was pure, bursting with creativity, until corporate America decided they could make more money selling negative images of our people.

O'Reilly: That's something I hear a lot, but nobody's making these young hip-hopsters talk about popping caps and pimping bitches.

Dame: Bill, you're ignoring the grand scheme of things. A lot of these artists come from nothing.

KRS: Hip-hop is the tree, the root, the branch, and the leaf. You can climb it, carve your name on it, or swing like a monkey. But a tree can't do your taxes or drain a swimming pool.

Dame: ......

O'Reilly: Okay, let's hear from a hip-hoppin pimpin artist. Cam'ron, what goes through your mind when you're writing these negative lyrics?

Cam: Sometimes you may have it in you, no homo, and you wanna express what you feelin at that time.

O'Reilly: But don't you feel a sense of responsibility?

Cam: I'm responsible for my kid's food and clothes, nigga. You know how much baby J's run now?

O'Reilly: No, I'm not sure.

Cam: You wanna know how I feel? no homo.

O'Reilly: ....uh..

Cam: This nigga MJ retired, so his shoes should cost less, you feel me? No homo. But it's all good cause I'm rich.

O'Reilly: *looks at Cam for 3 seconds, and turns to Dash* Dame, do you think these lyrics have an effect on the youth?

Dame: No more than your Terminator movies, and he's Governor.

KRS: Hip-hop should run for governor. With time, hip-hop will be president of the United States. Then we can take back control of the artform, and educate the youth. Right now, I have cereal in one pocket and milk in the other.

O'Reilly: Dame, there's a clear difference between fictional movies and hip-hop.

KRS: Hip-hop is my bowl and spoon. *pulls out a fist full of cereal from his pocket*

O'Reilly: People know movies are fake, and hip-hop? Well, whether it's fake or not, the artists try their hardest to make people believe it's real.

Cam: Make believe? Yo, *bleep* is real in the streets fam. You watch your mouth or I'll kill you myself.

O'Reilly: *looks at Dame with his eyes wide open* See!

Dame: Cam's just jokin, look--

O'Reilly: Just joking? He threatened my life!

Dame: No he didn't. Anyway, it's obvious that--

O'Reilly: What? Can we roll back a clip of the live feed? Jeff, can you queue it up on that monitor?

( clip plays of Cam'Ron saying "You watch your mouth or I'll kill you myself.")

O'Reilly: What do you call that?

Cam: Do you believe everything you see on TV? How old are you man? Don't be ridic -no homo- ulous.

KRS: That's exactly what I'm talking about, Bill. You wanted to make a point about violence, and the first clip you show is hip-hop making a threat. Violence is everywhere.

O'Reilly: I didn't play a clip of hip-hop, I played a clip of Cam'Ron, who's sitting right here.

KRS: I saw hip-hop on that clip.

O'Reilly: KRS, with all due respect, first you say hip-hop is a culture, then bowl or spoon, and now a person. Which is it?

KRS: Bill, are you familiar with gia?

O'Reilly: The idea that everything on earth is connected by a mystical life force?

KRS: Yes. In ancient times, do you know what Gia was originally called?

O'Reilly: What?

KRS: hip-hop.

O'Reilly: That's absurd.

Dame: Why is it absurd Bill? Because hip-hop is black culture? Remember, we were the first humans on the planet.

O'Reilly: And look what you did with your head start.

Cam: Damn, he tryin to get on you, no homo.

Dame: Look what we did? I turned nothing into a 500 million dollar empire, employing hundreds of people from my community. Do you know in the last year, we--

O'Reilly: Okay, time for a commercial break. We'll be right back.

--- 3 minutes later ---


O'Reilly: We're back, with Dame Dash, Cam'Ron and live via satellite...KRS-One. KRS?

( Satellite camera shows an empty chair )

O'Reilly: Okay, KRS had to step out for a moment. Dame, how can you deny the link of hip-hop and violence when your own artists stay in and out of jail? Gangster rapper Beanie Sigel is on trial for--

Dame: See, that's your problem. You think everyone who raps about the realities of the street is in a gang. Beanie Sigel is not a gangsta rapper. He just happened to grow up in conditions that--

O'Reilly: Not a gangster? Oh really? *quotes lyrics from Sigel's "Gangsta, Gangsta" *

Dame: .....as I was saying, Beans grew up in a situation where--

O'Reilly: And what's this? Bang. Bang. Sigel Street Gaaang. *O'Reilly stretches out the word 'gang' in a condescending tone, while staring at Dame* State Property Chain GAAANG. GAAANG?

Dame: Excellent research, Bill. But getting a pimple-faced intern to google lyrics doesn't make you qualified to speak on the harsh realities of urban-

O'Reilly: It makes me qualified to call you a hypocrite, Damon.

Dame: Bill... *flustered, but refusing to lose his cool* We're not on a first name basis, Bill.

O'Reilly: .....

Dame: If I can for a minute, let me get back to my original point.

O'Reilly: Yes, let's see your point.

Cam: No homo.

O'Reilly: Why does he keep saying that?

Dame: It's nothin. Look Bill...we have a lot of new companies we're building and--

O'Reilly: Isn't it true you guys fund a lot of these ventures with drug money?

Dame: Where did you hear that?

O'Reilly: I have my sources.

Dame: Well corporate America was funded with slave blood and nobody was arrested. Where there's a fortune there's a crime.

O'Reilly: Sounds like the name of one of your albums.

Cam: You know who you look like? *snaps fingers* What's that nigga name? George Bush dad?

O'Reilly: George Bush Senior?

Cam: YEAH NIGGA! You look just like him son.

Dame: Damn, he does.

Cam: I bet you pull a lot of them conservative hoes.

O'Reilly: We're getting off subject here.

Dame: Bill... you hit Ann Coulter, didn't you? Biiiiill?

O'Reilly: What? I would never hit a woman!

Cam: Oh yeah, he definitely hit that. Look how red his face got!

Dame: Now it matches his neck.

KRS: *hops back in the chair, now wearing mask made out of newspaper, and a garbage bag cape* I had a vision! Hip-hop spoke to me!

O'Reilly: Holy mother of God.

Cam: *speechless grin*

KRS: Hip-Hop says that there is no light without dark. If the human soul had a color, it would have to be a rainbow. Jesus was the first emcee. I swear to God I had milk in my left pocket this morning and now it's not there. Did you take my milk?

Dame: Bill, I don't see you talking about boycotting Pepsi when they have Ozzy Osborne on commercials. But a hip-hop artist? Boycott. I don't see you boycotting Fox when they have people throwing away their dignity for money. But a show with 2 rappers? Boycott! You're really boycotting rappers making money.

Cam: You need to boycott that sports drink with Fat Joe in the commercial.

Dame: Wait a second--

Cam: How the *bleep* you gonna have a Fat Joe be your spokesman for a SPORTS drink? He need redbull just to sit up. Then that *bleep* supposed to make you throw up bees? That ain't hip-hop.

KRS: Did you say HIP-HOP? I remember in 1974, before we had videos and radio play, hip-hop would push children on the swings and build sand castles. Then we would put graffiti on them, and you know what hip-hop would say?

Dame: Bill, did you--

KRS: Koolaaaaid!

Cam: You wildin son. And your nostrils makin me wanna *bleep* no homo.

KRS: Who wants koolaid? *reaches into his garbage bag cape*

Dame: Bill, did you boycott Men in Black because of Will Smith?

O'Reilly: No, of course not.

Dame: Did you boycott Nickelodean when they hired Coolio?

O'Reilly: Coolio's a rapper?

Cam: Word?

Dame: Did you boycott the Superbowl when Nelly performed?

KRS: Did someone say Nelly? This is the real issue threatening hip-hop! I had a dream that Nelly was a lion-headed dragon and hip-hop was my sword.

Dame: Why don't you just boycott everything and sit your old ass at home? Hip-hop is taking over.

O'Reilly: Nigger please.

Dame: .......

Cam: ........

KRS: ........

Dame: *in complete shock*

Cam: *mouth gaped open like a kindergardener hearing someone curse in class*

Dame: I don't believe this.

Cam: Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh!

Dame: First of all...

Cam: Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh!

Dame: Cam, I got this. First of all...

O'Reilly: What? You guys say it on records all the time.

Cam: Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh!

Dame: Cam, quiet. First of all... I don't even rap. So you never heard me say that on no song. Second--

O'Reilly: C'mon.

Dame: Secondly, for you to even use that word just proves my point. You're a damn racist Bill.

O'Reilly: Racist? I was just joking. Cam's been calling me that all night and you weren't so offended.

Dame: Cam'Ron isn't protesting against black people getting paid. How can you call for a boycott on Fox, of all networks, for airing something immoral? Fox Bill!

KRS: *gets on his knees* Oh mother hip-hop.. as we suck on thy teat, of thine ample bosom, please guide us through all of life's trials. You know, adult diapers are more comfortable than underwear.

O'Reilly: Yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and take a break right here. We'll be back.



--- 3 minutes later ---


(The show resumes in mid-argument)

Cam: *bleep bleep bleep*

O'Reilly: How could you even allow something like that to come out of your mouth?

Cam: NO HOMO

O'Reilly: How can you people deny--

Dame: What do you mean "you people"? First "nigger," now this.

O'Reilly: YOU PEOPLE AS IN YOU PEOPLE SITTING DOWN RIGHT HERE. YOU, DAME AND CAM'RON. YOU PEOPLE!

Cam: AAAHA You maad! You maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!

Dame: So hostile...he must listen to hip-hop.

O'Reilly: Please.

KRS: Please what? Hip-hop is the fruit of the loom! The alpha and omega. The quaaaaaan. *spins around, covering his body in the garbage bag cape*

O'Reilly: Uh...anyway, how can you people, Dame and Cam, deny that your records pollute society?

Cam: What about Fox?

O'Reilly: I have no control over what Fox does.

Cam: You on Fox though. Your show is on the same--

O'Reilly: That's just business.

Cam: So wait, hold up--

Dame: Bill--

Cam: No Dame, I got this. *excited* Hold up!

O'Reilly: It's irrelevant. My show isn't--

Dame: Biiiiill--

Cam: You sayin when Fox airs all that negative programmin' with dudes marryin midgets and transvestites, no homo, it's just business. But when some young black entreprenuers from the hood blow, no homo, we pollutin' society? Is that whatchu sayin Bill?

O'Reilly: No, what I'm saying is my opinion on--

Cam: Hold up Bill. This is what I think of your opinion.

O'Reilly: Now you wait just a minute there--

( Cam'ron climbs on top of Bill O'Reilly's desk and crawls towards him. O'Reilly, both confused and apprehensive, leans back and tries to calm Cam'Ron down, but it's too late. Cam turns around, puts his ass in Bill O'Reilly's face and passes gas. )

O'Reilly: ......

( Cam and Dame laugh uncontrollably like school girls )

O'Reilly: Oh for the love of God.

KRS: That reminds me of my battle with MC Shan.

O'Reilly: Can we take a commercial break?

Dame: No homo on the ass in the face, by the way.

Cam: Oh yeah, negative homo!

Dame: No means No. Homo.

O'Reilly: Jesus Christ

Cam: Caged homo!

Dame: Mime homo trapped in a box.

Cam: *taps his throat with his index finger* No-o-o-o-ho-o-o-o-o-o-m-o-o-o-o.


( The credits roll as Cam and Dame try to out "no homo" each other. Hours after the show is over and the lights & cameras are gone, KRS-One is still preaching about hip-hop's foundation and future. )



-- Back in his dressing room, O'Reilly hands Memphis Bleek a $20 bill. --

O'Reilly: Thanks for giving me the dirt on Roc-A-Fella and digging up those song lyrics.

Bleek: Hey man, we agreed on $50... and you said you'd humiliate them.

O'Reilly: I think I did a good job.

Bleek: Where's my other $30?

O'Reilly: I don't have anymore cash on me.

Bleek: *pulls out his gun*

O'Reilly: Wait... here, give me back that 20 and I'll have my assistant write you a check for a 100. His office is right through that door.

( Bleek hands O'Reilly the 20 and walks through the door )

Bleek: Hello?

( He hears the door lock behind him, just before realizing he's in an alley. )

Lmao, This one was nice.

hell ye....had me rollin...i could seriously envision this

dam, I thought it was real, till I skipped about half the page.