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Old 10-21-2007, 11:48 AM   #1
Vokals
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(5) Papa Genesis vs Flat~Line (4-1)

check In By Thurs 11:59 Gmt
Verses Due By Sun 11:59 Gmt
Don't Know Your Time Difference Just Ask Or Use Google

You Will Be Alotted A 20 Min Grace Period From The Due Time Of The Verse After That You’ll Be Docked 1 Vote Up To 24 Hours. After 24 Hours It’ll Be A Dq.

No Extensions Unless It Is A Family Emergancy Or I Am Bribed With A Kangaroo!!!

No Editing Posts
*any Major Problems Contact A Mod*
No Free-posting
No Swaying Votes
Shit Talking Goes In Designated Thread

20-30 Bars Hook & Dialogue Is Ok Just Don’t Make It Excessive
If You Go Over Your Limit You Will Be Docked 1 Vote. If You Go Under, Well You Just Hurting Yourself.

First To 5 (4-1 Tko...3-0 Ko)
Tie Votes Will Result In 1-1 For Each Participant.

Voting Catagories Are As Follows:
On Topic
Depth
Imagery
Originality
Flow
Multis
Vocab
Enjoyment
Hook/dialogue (if Applicable To Both)

Participating Members & Members Who Were Involved Can Vote. Also Vets Can Vote. Each Member Must Vote On One (1) Battle!!! If You Are Not A Vet And Choose To Vote You Can Aslong As It Is Broken Down And Not A Hate Or D/r Vote. If There Is Any Issue With That Vote That Cannot Be Resolved It Wont Count!!!

Topic: You become blind but can see others horrid pasts.

Good Luck



*Note If This Tourny Is An Absolute Failure Riddled With No Shows Especially The Final Match, I Will Not Pay Out My Money For That, I Will Pay Out Rw Money*

Last edited by Vokals; 10-28-2007 at 10:37 PM.
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Old 10-21-2007, 01:31 PM   #2
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Re: (5) Papa Genesis vs Flat~Line

check
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Old 10-21-2007, 04:42 PM   #3
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Re: (5) Papa Genesis vs Flat~Line

Here...
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Old 10-28-2007, 05:51 PM   #4
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Re: (5) Papa Genesis vs Flat~Line

The Crack Of Dawn, Birds Singing Free
At Ease, I Know The Meaning See
To Be Content, Without A Worry
But It Came In Haste Without The Hurry


--------------


So Routine Their Daily Theme, Shower And Dress
Children Fed And Off To School In An Hour Or Less
Forced To Be Awake Trying To Lour At Best
Producing A Glower Infest, An Open Jour On Chest
But Something Sour Confessed, Unheard In A Dead Sleep
Still I Awoken To The Silent Sound Of Red Speak


.................


In A Panic, Erupted From Bed, My Feet To The Floor
Sweat Dripping Onto, As Each Board Squeaked To The Door
Just To Peek Through The Crack And Be Piqued By The Gore
The Sight Itself's Enough, Defeat, To Sleep Never More
Forever Sore, Eyes Lost Contact With My Mind
Like The Nerves Were Severed, No Longer Entwined
Behind The Muscles, Vision Now So Refined
The Darkness Reached The Peripherals, To Remind I'm Blind


---------------


Slowly Time Now Passed, Cause Together It All Ran
Merging Minutes At Anytime, Like An Unlimited Call Plan
On The Wall Hand, Dark Pictures, Holding Them Still
Though They Can't Be Seen, I'm Unfolding At Will
Touching The Frames Quirk Moulding, A Shrill
As Flashes Portrayed, Withholding A Kill


.................


The Blacktop Pavement Shown So Clear
As The Manual Transmission Boned The Gear
I Can See The Rental Tags, It Was Loaned From Near
Hear Groans Of Fear, As The Windy Road Led Here
To My Home It Appeared, He Cut The Engine In The Grass
A Gun In His Lap He Opened The Door And Dropped A Flask
Everything Proceeding Quickly As It Stopped As Fast
Front Door Popped A Crack, As A Barrel Pushed It Wide
Looking Around In Black Apparel He Pushed Inside
The Fact Of Peril Was The Mans Only Guide
All Plans Aside, He Made His Way Up The Stairs
Hand On The Rail, Head Up, Softly Reciting Prayers
All Smiles, Exciting Stares, At The End Of The Hall
A Few More Steps, I Screamed For The End Of It All
He Extended His Palm, Gripping The Steel
He Entered The Room, Tipping His Heel
Better Balance For A Fate To Be Sealed
And Pulled The Trigger, To Late For Appeal...


--------------


-..Everyday's The Same You Know, For A Man Who Lost Everything 4 Years Ago..-
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Old 10-28-2007, 08:23 PM   #5
Vokals
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Re: (5) Papa Genesis vs Flat~Line

just ate, imma key now

i'll edit this with my verse, i'm not gonna no show on u
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Old 10-28-2007, 08:50 PM   #6
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Re: (5) Papa Genesis vs Flat~Line

I didnt have alot of time to do this, wife was nagging and son wouldnt give me any time to really do this

sorry for the let down, plus its been awhile since i wrote






Iraq, July 2007

“Listen gents, this mission is just like the rest. It’s about precision, skill and has to be timed perfectly. Any little slip up all of your families will have a knock on their door with 2 Marines standing at the door with an American Flag in hand. Do you understand?”

“Yes Sir!!”
“Ok, now this is what is going to happen…”


I need it, the mission I mocked it, just another day of trudging and shooting
Bullets mugging and looting, cracking windows n bodies begrudging while hooting
Scooting over sand piles low crawls and pauses knowing this is for no cause w. losses
Knowing these foes are imposters, the fire fight presuming with oooo’s n ahhh’s will cost us
Lives at stake we thrive for wakes, might our enemies have the upper hand?
Ruptured glands n blood vessels with knives at hand we shake stuck in another man
In arms my brothers stand, unknowing controlling the situation the best we can
Setting abreast we’re damned, pinned down rounds ting sounding like mortified wind chimes
This isn’t what’s supposed to happen with the sting n rings when ricochets fling and hit thighs
Rich cries of man through out the night will soon hound us for all eternity
Glad I was able to see my sons birth and through out all his mothers maternity
This hurtin brings an insane rage where my psyche tears down the padded walls
They all had to fall like pop flies in the skies from batted balls…


“Back Up!!! We Need Back Up!!!!!”

Still we stay pinned down with my gut wrenched barrels tipped over with cut heads
Eyes rolled n frays of skin dangled from a severed body where it used to clutch ends
It must end one way or another lost several of my brother’s, dirt n sand stained red
They lay dead with open eyes staring at me seeing horror in their eyes is what their pain read
Should I play dead or fight with relentless reckless abandon? I don’t know what to do
They’re just defending their country too, enough back n forth its time just to shoot
I stuff the truth into their body cavities blood squirts so hot its lavishing
Chunks of flesh rip n tatter bodies rush with piss they chatter splatter so ravishly
Birds fly in the sky ready for scavenging so much is happening at a quick pace its
Making me a bit delirious as I charge in shooting n sticking out my bayonet to rip faces
I strip races of lives to save mine, my life for my country I gave mine I gave time
And I never got a clock back; instead I got rocked back into a living grave of mine
Home of the brave? I lied; I was scared shitless not knowing when the end would come
Again I’m done; hit once I gimp once into a dead sprint living to no end, should some
See my pain as a weakness? As I speak this tears flow down the drain of my sink pipe
Shaking while standing I try to talk some more why hasn’t my voice matured? I speak ripe…
“Father forgive me as I have sinned, murdering man as man has murdered me
Forgive me for taking joy in the fact that I leave man left in a curdled scream
Living in a murdered dream please Father please, Father forgive me.”
Hours have passed and it’s only felt as mere minutes from the time I wanted to stop it
The beginning left us cringing, rifle gripped in hand my white knuckles wouldn’t let me drop it
Crying my eyes out with a hollowed socket, shrapnel shredding from a rocket
Couldn’t block it the sand splattered n hammered my face harder than the rocks hit
Still I charged forward, hopin for temporary blindness I believed it and blocked it…


“What happened here?”
“Sir…we found him under a pile of wood and sand trembling and praying.”
“Dear God, what happened? This was supposed to go as smooth as all the other missions. Why did it fail?”
“Sir…the men weren’t prepared to see what they did.”


As I stand alone in the dark I hoped the visions would pass at last
They never did, just memories of mutilation and the command stand fast
I stood fast just as I now stand tall, we’re a home of the free, for all the brave fall
I gave all I had, but was it enough with my life in a clutch fighting to save all
Laid in bed with my face mummified tearing away at the reddened wrappings
Wife n son happy until they saw my true features then there was deadened clapping…

Ever sense my screaming demeanor was seen screaming to see her
What would be even meaner is that I still let me believe that I’d see her
But to see at all would be the utmost greatest gift of any
It would be treasured more than when a homeless person lifts a penny
A gift to many, but at a remembrance of my horrid past my lips are on the brink
Of quivering as I stare in the mirror seeing my past as red tears drip in the sink
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Old 10-28-2007, 10:19 PM   #7
Vokals
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Vokals is bigger than George W. BushVokals is bigger than George W. BushVokals is bigger than George W. BushVokals is bigger than George W. BushVokals is bigger than George W. BushVokals is bigger than George W. BushVokals is bigger than George W. BushVokals is bigger than George W. BushVokals is bigger than George W. BushVokals is bigger than George W. BushVokals is bigger than George W. Bush

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Re: (5) Papa Genesis vs Flat~Line (Verses In)

Flat, i dont care about crew votes if its unbiased with a nice breakdown

ur call
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Old 10-28-2007, 10:29 PM   #8
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Re: (5) Papa Genesis vs Flat~Line (Verses In)

Doesn't Really Matter To Me As Long As It's Broken Down Like You Said... You Can Decide Which Votes Count As Well If Needed...
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Old 10-29-2007, 01:14 PM   #9
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Re: (5) Papa Genesis vs Flat~Line (0-0)

damn flat we cant even get any votes
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Old 10-29-2007, 04:15 PM   #10
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...........................

..

VOTE: VOKALS (Genesis) Even though I had to pick a winner, I really did enjoy reading this, guys. You maintain my respect..

On Topic: Flat
..I gave it to you Flat, because I felt that you gave a little more time for the second half of the topic. I understand that there was a definite need to set up the events to the guy losing his sight, Vokals, but I felt cheated when you didn’t give me what I wanted to know about what he saw [I feel the same issue plagued me as well]..

Depth: Vokals
..If after reading the two verses three times (I first read it this morning but I’ve been in a conference with the VPs all day), I have to say that depth BELONGS to Vokals on this. Flat, you’re joint was nice, man, but I was amazed that Vok pulled what he pulled outta his ass, so to speak..

Imagery: Vokals
..Even though Flat, you came as correct as I expected in the beginning in terms of creating the imagery, it began to waver toward the middle section. You did, however, recapture it in the end as you were describing the “visions”, or what have you. I felt that Vokals had a consistent, almost ridiculous, amount of imagery throughout the entire piece, though..

Originality: Vokals
..The battlefield setting has to be considered original. I’m not taking anything away from you, Flat. I still found your to bring about a unique take on the topic; I just found that the battlefield aspect, though predictable for Vokals because of his situation, to be rather original given the topic itself..

Flow: Flat
..As I tell everyone, I don’t really critique “flow”. I feel that you guys have your method and it works the way you intend it to. When I re-read pieces, I try to find that particular cadence you would use. I felt that Flat’s was just easier to grasp without much effort..

Multis: Vokals
..Though Flat, you started with some great instances where the multis were evident, you suffered from the same thing we all suffer from (if we aren’t mindful) and that was evident towards the middle and end…the multis suffered in place of the content itself. Usually we see the other way around, but that usually happens in the beginning..

Vocab: Vokals
..I’m giving this to Vok because I saw how both of you made the effort to utilize the extent of Queen’s Language. There were subtle instances where it just blended in nicely in both. But in the end, Vok just used a wider range of vocabulary more frequently..

Enjoyment: Tie
..I personally enjoyed both verses. I find this one a very easy category, but can also be extremely difficult to judge if you enjoyed reading both pieces..

Hook/dialogue (if Applicable To Both): N/A


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